That the right thing is always the hardest thing to do? Why does it torture you the longest, even after it's done and can't be taken back? I know life isn't easy, and that if it were I'd get a lot less out of it - conflict is what makes us think and change and grow. But this whole thing seems highly unfair. All I wanted was for him to love me as much as I love him, and to want to be with me. Apparently, that was too much to ask of the Universe. But now I think I may have some serious issues. I broke up with him (not technically correct, but sums it up) back in March, and I STILL cry. If it had been a serious long-term relationship, this would be normal. But, I never even met him. I met him on the internet, and we would chat and talked on the phone a few times, but never met. We were "off and on" for about 3 years, but we never met. It's part of the reason we broke up, actually. Anyway, after months and months, I still cry over a guy I never even met. It seems unhealthy or psychotic somehow, but just because we never met doesn't mean I wasn't madly in love with him. I was. He didn't believe me, though - another reason we broke up. My new mantra is, "I will meet someone else. I will fall in love with someone else." Whenever I feel like breaking down and crying, I say that to myself over and over until it passes. There is good news, however - for once, being unattractive is a good thing. Men don't bother me, or even notice my presence. Under normal circumstances this would be bad, but the infrequent times that a guy flirts with me, I just get upset. I'm immediately reminded of how cuthroat and selfish the dating world is, how you always have to be on your guard, ready to defend your castle, because bandits and marauders are always trying to pillage and plunder everything you have. Cynical, I know, but I'm in college, and college guys are . . . well, we all know. I don't want that. I want what I had, except I want it to be REAL. Damn. Sometimes feeling sorry for yourself is the only thing you can do. I thought about emailing his best friend (my friend, who I haven't been able to speak to since we broke up because it's just to heart-wrenching) to find out if he has a girlfriend yet, but couldn't because it would be incredibly pathetic AND make me miserable if he said yes. If he said no, I'd sit around hoping to hear from him (the ex) because I'd think that if he didn't find anyone in a reasonable amount of time he might get desperate enough to email me. I am ashamed of myself. Hope and heartbreak can lead one to act so foolishly. Luckily, I haven't done anything stupid yet, like beg him to take me back and love me and marry me and let me have his children. I just dream about it (not the children part though, eww). Mantra: I will meet someone else. I will fall in love with someone else. But WHY? Why can't I meet and fall in love with HIM? So ridiculous, the gods are obviously not paying attention to what's goiong on down here because this whole situation is completely out of control. I'm good. I'm a nice person. I'm honest and considerate. Yet this happens to me. Something is obviously very cosmically wrong. This shouldn't happen to me. I shouldn't be miserable like this just because I was in love. I'm worth loving back. So what the hell happened??? Hmm, well, you see how easily I volley from depression to anger and back. Depressed again now. Trying not to be hopeful. I started checking my email looking for his name again. Sigh. Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that I'll never get over him and then he'll realize how much I loved him. But then i'd never be happy, which is ridiculous. It's a child's thought, like running away to teach your parents a lesson. Time and patience. WHY? Why doesn't he love me? I'm doing my best to figure out what's wrong with me, but we'll see. Oh well. Goodnight everyone.

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